Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental health condition. According to research published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, it affects about 6% of the population. It could affect you as well in an indirect manner if you're dating a narcissist.
Characterized by masked low self-esteem, the narcissist is the type of person who needs the attention and admiration of others. They see other people as extensions of themselves and lack empathy for others.
NPD affects more men than women. This means that, as a woman, you're most likely to be the victim of a narcissistic man. Unfortunately, regardless of how well-informed you are about this mental health condition, it is quite difficult to pick up the signs right from the start. However, as your relationship develops, look out for the following signs you're dating a narcissist.
Spot Narcissistic Behavior Before It Puts You Down
1. Narcissists make the honeymoon phase feel otherworldly
When narcissists start dating, they are motivated by their desire to win you over. They are usually very charming and attractive, and they use these traits to their advantage. Masters of love-bombing, such people shower you with romantic gestures and gifts. Their attention seems to come out of nowhere and is 100% focused on you.
Once caught in their seduction game, you are rewarded with lots of flirting, romance, and sensual gestures. They make you feel special and round you up in a whirlwind of happiness only to drop you as soon as they feel they've won you over. In fact, this is the initial purpose of a narcissist. So, beware if someone comes on too strong from the very beginning.
2. They vilify their exes and pose as victims
Most narcissists are often unable to create true intimacy and are likely to have a lot of broken relationships. They rush into saying bad things about their exes, while trying to emphasize their qualities and their place as victims. Usually, they have a callous attitude towards others.
Since the talk about exes often occurs when you start dating someone, pay special attention to how they speak about their former partners. These are early signs you're dating a narcissist.
3. People with NPD have no real friends
Narcissists are unable to form deep friendships. They are the type of people who have many acquaintances due to their charm and manipulative skills. However, they don't put in the work to strengthen their relationships. If it doesn't benefit them in any way, they will most definitely say "no" to helping a friend. In addition, they have no problem canceling plans at the last minute.
One way to figure out if you're dating a person with NPD is to ask about his or her old friends. Think of follow-up questions too if you want to dig deeper into the past. This step could be useful in the long run.
4. A narcissist's favorite topic is themselves
Dating starts off with the intent to get to know the other person. That's why you might easily miss this sign. You could think that your date just wants to ease you into his or her world. Sadly, they only want to show off their superiority. They want to impress you by talking about their achievements, accomplishments, and interests.
When you start opening up about yourself, they often seem bored, and they almost never ask follow-up questions. When they do listen, they most definitely have a hidden agenda. So, regardless of how fascinated you are when he or she speaks, take a moment to ask yourself if it's bragging you hear or just a story.
5. They use the gaslighting manipulation technique on you
Gaslighting is defined as a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. The goal of this technique is to gain a feeling of superiority and control over what you think. Among the signs you're dating a narcissist are not feeling yourself anymore, experiencing lower self-esteem and confidence than before, thinking you might be too sensitive, realizing that you apologize more than necessary and others. His or her purpose is to make you doubt yourself and thus to see them in a better light.
6. Narcissists don't grasp the concept of feeling
Feelings of empathy and even sympathy are not known to narcissistic people. According to Schulze's research, those who suffer from NPD have structural abnormalities in certain brain regions which are associated with empathy.
In other words, think about how your reacts when you talk about something that makes you sad or mad. Is he or she trying to comfort you? Do you feel heard and understood?
Those suffering from NPD have problems acknowledging the people around them as separate beings. They see everyone as extensions of themselves. More specifically, they find it very hard to recognize other people's desires, individual feelings, and experiences.
7. They want to be in control
There's a little control freak inside each and every one of us sometimes. In the case of a narcissist, however, it is a necessity. He or she immediately devalues anyone who cannot be controlled. In addition, NPD manifests through a constant need to feel special and powerful.
Such a partner might try to know your whereabouts at any time. He or she might even tell you what to wear and how to behave. This type of control spreads in every area of life.
8. Narcissist individuals expect immediate gratification
Because people suffering from NPD are self-centered and self-absorbed, they expect their needs to be met immediately. When that doesn't happen, they become angry, impatient, and irritated.
You can test this sign by saying "no" from time to time and calmly waiting for a reaction.
9. They don't keep their promises
Another easy way to spot a narcissist is to observe whether he or she keeps their promises. Look out for any inconsistency between what's said and what's done. Is your partner usually late or cancels your plans at the last minute? Is he or she emotionally available today, but you never know about tomorrow? Were you really counting on his or her help, but they didn't show up?
Love Perceived by Narcissistic People
When narcissists are in love, they are actually in love with their hopes and dreams. They love the idea they project in their heads, not the other person. Most often, they are unable to sustain a long-term relationship because they feel like they've already won at their game.
This doesn't mean they can't develop positive feelings for another person. However, those feelings are mostly based on friendship and shared interests. In case they end up marrying someone, they are unable to follow through. Instead of choosing intimacy and closeness, they become cold, critical, and angry.
Ways to Make It Work With a Narcissist
1. Learn as much about NPD as you can
If you are in love with a narcissist, it might be difficult for you to just give up on him or her. What you can do when you recognize at least five NPD signs is to do deeper research. Make sure you understand what your partner is going through and his or her distorted reality before you decide to continue your relationship or call it quits.
2. Determine how badly his or her behavior influences you
Numerous narcissists don't fully commit to a romantic relationship. They are even known cheaters. Besides these flaws, they are also controlling, jealous, tend to belittle you, and lack empathy. In addition, they often avoid closeness and don't keep their promises. How do all these traits affect you?
3. Listen to what your gut has to say
Definitely challenging and difficult, a romantic relationship with a narcissistic individual can also be rewarding. As soon as you understand and learn how to cope with the behavior of such a person, you might find it in you to stand by his or her side. However, make sure you don't stay for all the wrong reasons, such as what psychoanalysts Frank Lachmann and Robert Stolorow call "gilt by association." In other words, you might feel special because other people admire your partner or because of his or her social or financial status.
4. Enhance their self-esteem
Hiding under a veil of confidence, even the most successful and good-looking narcissists experience low self-esteem. They feed on your admiration and the admiration of others and can't stand disapproval. What you can do is identify those areas that make him or her feel insecure and reinforce positive behavior. In order to be effective, your compliments should be on point, not general.
5. Psychotherapy could be the answer
This solution is a bit tricky because most narcissists don't acknowledge they have a problem. However, the primary treatment course for NPD is psychotherapy. In case your partner agrees to it, you can learn a lot about how to support him or her.
Summary
NPD is a serious disorder and it should be treated as such. However, you shouldn't pay the price for another person's problems. If you're still wondering "can a narcissist love?", then you're most likely feeling the bad in a more powerful way than the good. Put things in balance and decide in your favor.