Anita Chlipala, licensed marriage and family therapist, votes in favor of saving your relationship, even after cheating. She believes that knowing how to regain trust after an affair and consistently applying all the needed steps are the solution. As long as your partner is willing to forgive you, you have numerous ways to show that you're truly sorry and willing to rebuild trust over time. With the help of renowned psychologists, therapists, and behavior analysts, we've compiled a list of steps you need to take in order to regain your partner's trust and restore your relationship.
Dr. Carmen McGuinness Believes Sincerity Is Key
The first step you can take in order to fix your mistake is to apologize. However, a simple "I'm sorry" won't do it. You must truly feel remorse and be able to express your sincere apologies. You have caused tremendous pain to your partner and you must accept that. There's no room here for "I'm sorry, but..." It was your choice to cheat and whatever reasons you had, this is not the time to talk about them.
According to Dr. Carmen McGuinness, "If your partner truly believes you love him or her and are sorry, there is a chance of rebuilding the trust."
Dr. Mindy Beth Lipson Emphasizes the Importance of Grieving
Learning how to rebuild trust after cheating implies that you also give your partner time. We all have different ways of coping with the negative aspects of our lives. He or she might even need to be physically away from you for a while.
Under no circumstances should you rush your partner's grieving or recovery process. Anita Chlipala says it takes 1-2 years until trust can be fully restored. In addition, Dr. Mindy Beth Lipson, clinical psychologist, emphasizes that "if you are wanting someone to forgive you on your timetable or on your terms you are being very selfish."
Dr. Kevon Owen Urges You to Be Open and Transparent
According to Dr. Kevon Owen, a clinical psychotherapist and marriage counselor, your life should be an open book from now on. You shouldn't have anything to hide. More specifically, you should be open to sharing your passwords, granting access to your personal computer and phone, and providing your partner with any information he or she needs.
Living life after being cheated on is like having PTSD. Your partner is going through hell, so what you can do is reassure him or her, as often as needed, that you are now honest and willing to give explanations for everything you do.
Anna Osborn Believes You Should Focus on Consistency
Anna Osborn, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says that rebuilding trust after cheating can be done if you're consistent and keep your promises. Your partner is now inclined to doubt everything that comes out of your mouth. That's understandable because of all the lies you've told him or her so far. You can change that by giving them reasons to trust you again and feel safe.
Dr. Janis A. Spring Is in Favor of Setting Rules
This step might leave you feeling like you're back in school or back at your mother's house, living by her rules. However, this type of power imbalance shows how willing you are to prove yourself. By agreeing on a few ground rules, you increase the stability of your relationship.
One example in this regard is to always communicate with your partner, no matter where you are. Let him or her know when you go somewhere, why, and how long it will take. The wronged person has the freedom to think about ways to increase his or her feeling of security. As proof that you want things to go back to normal, you should agree with them even if they don't make sense to you.
Robert Weiss Ph.D. Warns You About Common Pitfalls
"Cheaters need to understand that failure to disclose pertinent information is just another form of lying," says Robert Weiss. In other words, when you only say half of the truth, it is still lying. You are not going to properly learn how to regain trust after an affair if you keep some of your bad habits.
Partial disclosure is also something you should beware of. Your partner needs to hear the whole truth. It is not fair to him or her to find out more and more details over time. That only prolongs their suffering.
Defensiveness is another aspect to look out for. When you open up about what happened and why, your partner's immediate reaction might be anger. It's important for you to remain calm and not get defensive or attack him or her. That's not going to lead anywhere. Instead, take responsibility for your actions and don't minimize the effect they have on your partner.
Dr. Terry McGuinness Thinks Professional Help Is Needed
Terry McGuinness, marriage and family therapist, advises seeking professional help. With an objective, third-party involved, you and your partner could fix things gradually, in a controlled environment. Couples therapy works wonders because people are usually inclined to play the blame game.
Although you are guilty for betraying your partner, he or she will want to know why. Maybe you weren't open about your needs and you found other ways to have them met. In a controlled environment, your chances of hurting them even more are lower. Giving details about the affair itself is never a good idea, but some questions need to be answered.
Another sensible topic is how your partner contributed to your actions. Dr. Terry McGuinness thinks that the one who was hurt also had a role in fostering an unhappy union. So, if you both truly desire to make your relationship work again, you both have to put in the work.
Summary
As shown, cheating is the worst form of betrayal in a relationship and it's incredibly hard to move past it. Even so, most psychologists and therapists specializing in this field are optimistic about getting things back on track. They propose rigorous honesty, patience, consistency, and total transparency. Do your best to regain the trust of your loved one.