Clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona ensures us that it is normal to have disagreements, as well as to get into fights with people we are involved with. In fact, his colleague, Ramani Durvasula, thinks that fighting in a relationship can be constructive. You can both learn from your mistakes, strengthen your bond, and practice empathy and listening. However, if the fighting intensifies, you don't ever seem to solve your problems, and there's too much anger for you to handle, then you might need a little help.
As it follows, you will learn how to manage a fight in a reasonable way. We will explain how your tone and the words you choose really matter and how you can get what you want by addressing the issue correctly.
1. Cool down before you say something you'll regret
We've already established that fighting in a relationship is normal. However, it's the way you fight that keeps things under control and increases the probability of finding a solution. Yelling, name-calling, and emotional and physical abuse should be avoided by all means. If you feel like you're going to burst, or your partner is too heated during your conversation, then it's best to take a break.
Your mind could become foggy and your thoughts irrational. Anger and our defense mechanisms do that to us. They make us say things that we don't mean, things that are harmful to our relationships and could cause permanent damage. So, take a 10-minute break, go for a walk, or agree to address the issue some other time.
2. Don't expect your partner to guess how you feel
The best way to even begin to clarify a certain situation is to be direct. Your partner can't guess how you feel or what the problem is unless you tell him or her. If you avoid talking about what bothers you, give evasive answers, or change the subject when the matter is addressed, then the problem won't magically disappear. Instead, it will become worse and it will probably make you and your partner feel frustrated.
Pouting and not talking about the issue will confuse your partner because he or she doesn't know what to do. The silent treatment doesn't work. Open and honest communication does.
3. Make sure your attitude is right
Most fights in relationships escalate quickly because, according to relationship coach Steven Dziedzic, people don't pay enough attention to their tone, volume, and choice of words. Even if you have the best intentions and you are solution-oriented, you will not succeed if your partner feels attacked.
4. Pay attention to your choice of words
First of all, when you address a certain issue, you must focus on how you feel and avoid blaming your partner. Use phrases like "I feel disappointed when you do...", "I get irritated when you...", "I feel tired and I need help...". Don't invite your partner to become defensive by making direct remarks about him or her. Try to describe their behavior, but don't attribute it to them as a personality trait.
Second of all, refrain from saying the words "never" or "always." Examples are "You never do the dishes", "You always forget to...". They will also put your partner on the defensive. In response, they will try to remember times when they actually did what you asked them to. That's not considered productive in any way. Phrases such as "How would you feel if I asked you to..." are much kinder and have the most chances to get things done.
5. Use active listening techniques
Constant fighting in a relationship could mean that one of you or neither of you is heard. When your partner starts talking, it is recommended that you listen. Even if you think that you know what he or she is going to say, you should still listen. You need to give your partner the chance to express him or herself.
According to the authors of "Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love," the active listening techniques that you can use are paraphrasing and perception-check.
Paraphrasing refers to saying what you hear in your own words to make sure you understand correctly. For example, "What I hear is that… Did I get it right?"
Perception-check is when you think, for example, that your partner is annoyed, but you don't know for sure. So, you can ask him or her "Did what happened/what I said annoy you?"
All these examples are meant to make you understand your partner better and to make sure you get it right, as well as to make your partner feel heard.
6. Argue about one issue at a time
Conflict researcher John Gottman warns us against "kitchen-sinking." It is a phenomenon that occurs when an unhappy couple starts fighting about every dissatisfaction they might have. Such unresolved topics reoccur and they remain unsolved because these types of fights are not constructive.
Let's say you want to go on vacation and instead of making reservations, you are already browsing frantically for cool sunglasses and beachwear. That's not the most productive way to book a flight and accommodations. You have to take your time and solve each aspect, don't you? The same goes for fighting in a relationship.
7. Avoid cross-complaining
Cross-complaining occurs when your partner has a complaint and you respond with another complaint, without focusing on clarifying his or hers. This type of behavior is destructive. You cannot solve anything if you bring more problems to the table.
For example, if your partner complains about you flirting with another person, it is not wise to respond with "You are too jealous" or "You are possessive," What you need to do is truly listen to what made him or her react this way. The conversation you had, as innocent as it may be, was a cause of distress for your special someone.
8. Create boundaries and a safe space
Because things can get crazy when two people fight, and because each of us should be given the chance to object and express our feelings without fear or worry, you should establish some boundaries together with your partner.
By this, we mean to rule out yelling, name-calling, all sorts of insults, and every form of abuse. Agree to make requests instead of complaints. Also, take turns at speaking when you fight. Each of you needs to be heard and understood in order to reinstate harmony in your relationship.
9. Take couples therapy into consideration
Fighting in a relationship has negative consequences for both parties. When too much is too much, and you feel like you need guidance, don't hesitate to choose couples therapy. If you two are willing to work for your relationship and put an end to meaningless fights, then you can seek the help of a counselor. He or she can teach you how to communicate more efficiently, what to do when your defense mechanisms are triggered, how not to take everything personally, and how to look at your relationship objectively, as well as offer other important guidance.
Summary
Throughout the article, we talked about ways to resolve conflict and fight in a more constructive manner. You can try them step by step, identify the strategy that works, and enjoy happier times with your significant other.