When a partner cheats on you, the fallout is disastrous. You no longer know if you can trust them. You're embarrassed and angry. You feel betrayed. If you've chosen to move along and end your relationship, you have every right to. However, you might choose to give things another chance. If that is the case, here are some helpful tips that might help you learn how to forgive cheating.
Accept and grieve for what happened, but don't let your emotions take over your life.
You have been hurt and wronged. You deserve to feel what you feel and grieving is natural. It is part of the healing process. If you do intend to try and forgive your partner though, you will have to fight to not let your emotions take over. Perhaps saying sorry isn't enough. You have a legitimate right to say that. But if you do want to keep your partner in your life, there has to be some path forward where your emotions can calm down. You can try and find a way to forgive. So, while justified – try to keep your emotions in check.
Think it over: Does this person deserve your trust again?
We sometimes learn how to forgive cheating by remembering the person we thought we started the relationship with. Are they still the same? Do they deserve your forgiveness? If the answer is no, perhaps it is time to move on instead of forgiving. If you still see the person you fell in love with, ask yourself if they deserve a second chance. Perhaps you'll find you want them enough to still try.
Have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner.
A lot of times affairs are more about a breakdown in the relationship itself. That is, cheating is more of a symptom than a cause of the problem. It does not justify what they did. But there could be underlying issues that caused the cheating. If these aren't addressed, you may find them repeating the same behavior. So take some time to talk through what put them in a position to seek another person in the first place.
Find out what went wrong and work to improve your relationship.
Learning how to forgive cheating is sometimes more about healing your relationship than letting your partner off the hook. If you really do want to continue your relationship, then it may be time to set the hurt feelings aside and seriously try and understand went wrong and try to improve it.
Take time to forgive and have some space if necessary.
You have been hurt and you have every right to feel it. It is not your responsibility to make your partner feel better by forgiving them. Yes, if you want to continue the relationship, you'll need to at some point. But you have a right to take all the time you need to process your pain and anger. It may help to take some space too. Perhaps visit a friend for a while – somewhere where you feel safe and supported and where you can work out your feelings. Take all the time you need – it's your partner's responsibility to wait until you are ready to talk.
Seek counseling.
Sometimes it can take a professional counselor to help you learn how to forgive a cheater. There is no stigma in seeking outside help. In fact, you're the better person for seeking help instead of acting out as your partner did. So don't be embarrassed about seeking professional help. What you're feeling may be new to you and hard to process, but a professional has far more experience and can help you achieve acceptance and healing.
See if your partner can walk away from whoever he had an affair with.
Two-thirds of affairs happen at the workplace. If your partner is in that majority, there are some real questions to answer before you consider forgiving them and taking them back. For one, are they ready to avoid that person? Even if it means changing departments or even getting a new job? If you're still not their priority after they've caused you so much harm, maybe they aren't the one for you. You can and should expect them to avoid this person in the future for you.
Determine if your partner is sincere.
An apology is only good if it is sincere. It's easy to say sorry, but one has to mean it for it to matter. It is up to you to determine what your partner is apologizing for exactly. Are they sorry they betrayed you or are they sorry they got caught? If it's the latter, is that the kind of person you deserve? It's up to you to figure out what sorry actually means to them.
Ask your partner for details.
Asking for details can be painful for you and embarrassing for your partner. But it could help lessen your anger in the long run to understand the context of what happened. The why's and the how's matter. These should not be used as an excuse to justify cheating but it is good to know the reason behind the cheating and how.. You deserve honesty. If they were intoxicated or perhaps it was during a horrible fight you two were having – you may be able to see how a moment's stupidity could lead to such disastrous results. There's a good chance the reason won't weigh as heavily as intentional cheating. It can't hurt to hear your partner out though.
Forgiveness Is a Journey
It can be hard to know how to forgive someone who cheated on you. Remember though, forgiving is not forgetting. Just because you have forgiven someone doesn't mean you immediately have to trust them again. You've only decided to give them a chance to rebuild that trust. It's up to them to capitalize on the opportunity you've given them.