Being in love is such an all-encompassing experience. It takes over all your senses and your heart is truly lost to the person who has stolen or to whom you have given it. Then it's no wonder that once something happens that forces you to part, it becomes so painful. It actually feels as if your heart has been ripped out of your chest or it has been broken.
The sad thing is that the happier you were in the relationship, the more it hurts when it's over. If you still have strong feelings for the man that you were with, it can feel almost impossible to move forward in your life without him. It's a fact that it's difficult to get over a broken heart, but it's not impossible. Here are some ways in which a person can slowly mend a broken heart.
Ways to Move Forward When You Are Still in Love
The break-up of a relationship is not only painful if you have been together for a considerable amount of time, but it can also be disorienting. Even if your relationship wasn't very long but your connection was intense, don't be shocked if you are also broken, lost, and confused once it's over.
At that time, it can seem like you will never be able to recover from the pain and that life will never get any better. However, you will and it can. When you have found the strength to discover how to get over a broken heart when you still love him, trying any of the means described here can help your broken heart begin to heal.
1. Accept it's the end and forget the fantasy
A major reason why some people struggle to move on after a break up is that they are still in love with that person and are holding on to hope that the relationship isn't really over - that they will come back to them. This thought will only drag out the pain of the truth that it's over.
Don't hold on to the fantasy that the person will change their mind or you'll be able to come up with a plan that will bring them back to you. Accept that the relationship has ended for a reason, and focus your energy on planning the rest of your life.
2. A period of no contact
For some people, going cold turkey is the best way to get something out of their system. Cold turkey means completely cutting out a substance addiction. In terms of a break-up, cold turkey means zero contact. Even though all you want to do is see your ex and speak to them about one last thing, you must resist the urge. Instead, take this time to mourn the loss of this person.
"It is believed that if we allow ourselves to feel whatever emotions it is we are feeling full for 17 seconds, it will shift. And painful as it is, it is better to feel fully as part of the process of healing as opposed to suppressing, repressing, and avoiding feeling." - Dr. Martha Tara Lee, Clinical Sexologist DHS, MA, BA, and founder of Eros Coaching.
During this time, you can also focus on calming your hurt feelings. Not seeing or speaking to the person should keep you from feeling desperate or doing something that will keep you from beginning the process of letting go.
3. Keep yourself occupied
When a broken-hearted person asks how to get over someone you're in love with, one of the most helpful pieces of advice you can give them is to keep themselves occupied. One of the symptoms of being in love is constantly having the person pop into your head. We can't really control when they come into our thoughts, but we can control how long they are there.
Keeping yourself busy is one of the best ways to keep your mind in control of what comes into it. When the image of your ex comes into your mind, being busy makes it easier to get them out of it again by focusing on the task at hand. Think of both physical and mental things you can do to stay preoccupied, and moving past the pain of your break-up will be easier to bear.
4. Don't forget the reason it's over
The human brain was actually created to forget the pain. The brain has to forget pain felt, otherwise there would be no woman on earth who would be willing to go through natural childbirth more than once. The memory of the agony goes away.
The passing of time can make the memory of the pain and difficulties you faced while you were in the relationship fade. After spending some time missing your ex, you might find that your mind has forgotten the troubles you suffered or the agony of the betrayal that caused the break up in the first place.
"Consider listing all of the reasons a person isn't a good fit for you. Remember specific examples of things they said or did, or didn't say or didn't do as a reminder." - Dr. Gary Brown, Psychotherapist, Los Angeles.
It's important that you don't fall back into the fantasy of what your relationship was as your mind is only able to recall the good times.
5. Distractions
This is something that seems to come most naturally to people who are able to say farewell at the end of a relationship. If you are this kind of female, you will follow your instincts to figure out how to get over a broken heart when you still love him. Also, you will immediately look for things to distract yourself with.
Although this can seem to be instantly effective, you must be careful that the distractions you turn to are not ones that will only make you feel worse afterward. Drinking too much, partying too hard, or sleeping with other people might be able to blot out the pain for the moment, but it's not the best way to deal with it in the long run.
You'll still have to go through the grieving process in a healthy way if you want to truly heal your broken heart. Instead, focus on the good things in your life that you might have neglected before, such as a hobby or an additional course you wanted to study.
6. Lean on others
When new relationships become serious, the first casualties are your friends and family. Reach out to them, and allow them to speak with you and support you through this difficult time.
"Every time you want to send a text to your partner or are reminded about your ex and want to reach for them, reach for one of your buddies instead. It's great to have multiple people so you don't hold yourself back with worry about your friend being tired of having to hear the same things." - Olubukonla Kolawole, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, New York City.
Speaking to the people you love about what you're going through can even speed up your healing. However, a good piece of advice is to let your friends and family know that you are giving yourself a time frame for how long you will allow yourself to talk about him. Whether it's two weeks or two months, when that time is up, then you must try your hardest not to bring him anymore.
7. Time heals all wounds
The sadness of losing the one you love may never completely disappear, but the sharpness of the pain will certainly dull over time. Focus on this, and know that the pain you're feeling is temporary. Your need for connection and to feel something good again might cause you to crave a new relationship
However, bear in mind that this is not the solution if you have not fully healed. In fact, it can make things worse by putting you in a situation that compounds your problems instead of eradicating them. When you can be happy again, you will know that you're ready to open your heart to someone new.
8. Take good care of yourself
Try to change the way you choose to look at the situation. Instead of seeing yourself as lonely, enjoy the freedom of being able to do exactly what you want in every moment. You can do all the things your ex hated. Treat yourself to expensive meals (because it's actually cheaper when you're only buying for one!). Think of whatever you are able to do to make yourself happy, and give yourself permission to do it.
"Learning to provide comfort for yourself when you feel distressed is one of the most valuable tools we can have in our toolbox." - Olubukonla Kolawole, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist.
You will soon find that you are able to feel happy again and excited about what adventures your future holds.
9. Focus on self-improvement
The most productive way to get over a broken heart is to focus your energy on improving yourself. It has been said that we have some influence on the kind of people we attract. Whether you believe this to be true, it might be worth considering. Let this break-up serve as a lesson to you as to what you will want to avoid in the future.
Look back and see if there were any red flags that you should have spotted. Then you need to do what many of us find the most difficult - try to see where you could have been a part of the problem. Was it that you didn't set clear boundaries, or perhaps you didn't speak up when you were hurt by something he said or did.
Whatever the case may be, start by taking baby steps towards being a wiser person who won't have to go through that same experience again.
10. Ask for professional help
If after some time, you find you are dwelling on the break-up and thinking to yourself I can't get over him, then it might be time to seek professional help - even if it's just a counselor or guru. Anyone who has the knowledge to help you get past your pain will be able to assist you in changing your thinking so that you can finally move on with your life.
Final Words
Getting over a broken heart isn't easy. Knowing how to get over a broken heart when you still love him is not something that you have ever prepared for or were taught about. It's common to feel completely lost and hopeless. However, we have provided you with some sound advice on how to begin to repair the broken pieces of your heart.
Focus on the good in your life, including the friends and family who love you. Distract yourself with healthy mental and physical activities. Finally, think about your future, and get excited about all the good that is awaiting you once you have moved on.
In time, you will be whole again and ready to allow new love to blossom in your heart.