The name says it all, you're "friends" - although for some that can have a pretty loose definition, and you have sex - the "benefits". But have you really thought about what that means to you? For most, it means casual, no strings attached and no expectations. You have to be on the same page to avoid getting hurt, as the trust factor that comes with a committed relationship just isn't there. And there's the word, "committed", in which an FWB is anything but. So if you're ok with the idea of friends with benefits to a relationship, then you won't get hurt. But be clear, there are some questions you need to ask yourself.
Make Sure You're on the Same FWB Page
First, understand that there is a difference between a "hook up" and FWB. The former is really just about sex, period. You don't necessarily know each other, in fact, they have likely just met. The keyword and thus difference in FWB is "friends". You know each other, hopefully fairly well, and have a basic understanding of each other's emotional connections. This is something you need to talk about before the relationship gets started, so that no one gets hurt. Be clear and authentic with your friend and make sure that you both are in agreement on the terms of the relationship.
If this is going to be a long-term setup, it's important for you both to understand that things can change over time, and that, unlike in a hook-up or one night stand, you have an investment in each other's feelings and emotional status. If you feel the ground rules or yours or your friend's feelings are changing then it's imperative that you talk about it and make some adjustments.
Men and women look at an FWB relationship differently. There's too much research around the differences between how men and women are wired emotionally to doubt this. Men are more inclined to go this route, either intentionally or serendipitously. Men have an easier time maintaining the emotional distancing required for a successful "friends with benefits" relationship.
Women, on the other hand, are potentially less likely to pursue such a relationship intentionally. For a woman to be the initiator, she needs to feel like she really knows her friend and that she can be open, honest, and safe with him. For both men and women, sex changes everything. It is common for women to experience intimacy almost from the beginning that isn't there for men until later. This isn't to say that some men don't feel this way as well. It is just important to understand that we are not all wired the same when it comes to defining relationships, understanding sex and our feelings about them both.
Women are more likely to wonder if friends with benefits can ever become more? Well, of course, things can morph into that. It bears repeating again that if you feel the relationship is changing, it's crucial for you both to talk about it!
Signs Things Are Changing
You've been in this FWB relationship for awhile and it's been great! Everything has been going really well. But lately, you find yourself wondering how to go from friends with benefits to dating. The signs are there that maybe it's time to have a different conversation.
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You find yourself having more conversations about what makes a meaningful relationship for him/her. She compares events in your current relationship to those parameters. He draws similarities in your behavior to what he believes is meaningful.
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You spend more and more of your free time together. Often, there is no sex involved. You both find excuses to call or text. And when you are together, there's a shared sense that both of you have gone to a deeper level in your relationship.
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You show up in public together, often displaying signs of affection like holding hands or walking with arms around each other's waist.
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When you're out shopping, you start to see things that remind you of him/her. You notice little things you hadn't before and will search out just the right gift for that.
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He is the last thing you think about at night. She is the first thing you think about in the morning.
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Your kisses are deeper, more passionate. Your sex has become more about making love than just feeling good.
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The moments you share together feel more intimate. You talk about the future together. There's a "closeness" to the space you share that wasn't there before.
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You introduce her to your buddies. You introduce him to your best friend. If you've had the conversation about the way the relationship seems to be going, you may just use the word out loud that defines your relationship...this is my girlfriend...this is my boyfriend.
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You've started calling each other by a pet name. "Baby" doesn't count because both men and women tend to use that more casually. But if she does something that's quirky, that can become a pet name. Let's say her sneeze is quite unique, maybe even comical. And you start calling her Sneezy after one of the seven dwarfs from Snow White. Or he has a freckle on his hip that looks just like a four-leaf clover, so you start calling him Lucky.
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The tone of his compliments has changed. Instead of "wow, that was really good!", referring to the sex you just had, he says "I love the way your hair lays on the pillow." She tells you how handsome you look in the shirt you're wearing.
How to Know When It's Time
When you've had a good run and found things are changing or when you feel a distance coming between you, let's say. Your get-togethers are less frequent and less satisfying. If you had all the right conversations in the beginning, you knew this could happen and you're okay with that. You are prepared to say goodbye.
But what if it's just the opposite. You're seeing all the signs mentioned above, and more. As before, it's important to have an honest and straightforward conversation. Maybe it's time for a "trial run" with no less commitment than you would have had if your relationship hadn't started out as FWB. If there is trust, respect, and a mutual desire to move the relationship forward into more meaningful arenas, then, by all means, go for it.
Whatever path you take, be mindful of each other's feelings along the way. With regular and open communication, your relationship will be defined by mutual understanding and agreement - healthy by anyone's definition.